The Scariest Step Forward

We are moving. To Iowa.

This is a huge decision for me and the girls – and one of the scariest decisions of my life. There is a chance I could fail and that scares me beyond belief. The journey so far has been full of tears, soul searching, anxiety, pain, guilt, but also excitement and a renewed confidence in myself.

I spent months thinking about what I would do if the opportunity to move presented itself. I had one opportunity for a position in Moline about eight months ago, and I sought people’s opinions about it because I wasn’t sure of myself. That was a mistake, but also an opportunity to grow. The opinions (that yes, I asked for) hurt. That hurt stayed with me for a long time.

I was used to making decisions as part of a couple – Steve and I were a team. In the past, I knew that I couldn’t go wrong, because I had Steve to back me up. When we made a decision, it was our decision, and there was no doubt in my mind that between us we would figure it out. Making such a big decision on my own paralyzed me.

There was a lot of soul-searching and many tears over the past few months – without them, I wouldn’t have established the confidence I needed to put my name in for a position that required relocation.

Here are seven learnings I had as I stepped out of my comfort zone and started to make that scary step forward.

1. Define Your Boundaries

There was a woman at work in a leadership position that shared her experience in setting boundaries with me. She gave me the book Lean In to read. Most importantly, she forced me to tell her what my boundaries were when Steve died.

Telling her what I needed from my job to be able to balance work and life was uncomfortable and scary. I always believed that you accepted a job knowing the commitment that came with it and if it didn’t align with your personal life then you looked for a different job.

Saying what I needed from my position was harder than it should have been. However, it became easier when I realized that by defining my boundaries others could understand what I needed in order to be successful in my work. Defining my boundaries enabled me to be successful!

Here is a list of some of my boundaries when I considered a new position:

• I was willing to accept a position in North Dakota or the Quad Cities (no other Deere location).
• The position had to have enough flexibility to allow me to work remotely (this removed me from a lot of jobs that aligned with my current career path).
• Travel requirements needed to be low.
• The position needed to fill a gap in my list of career experiences.

Needless to say, my boundaries eliminated a lot of potential jobs for me. If it wasn’t right, I wasn’t interested. The why behind each requirement was important to my overall happiness. I have a network of friends in North Dakota and the Quad Cities as well as a level of comfort in both of those locations. Working remotely enables me to be home with a sick kid, see them at sporting events and enables me to work while visiting family (preserving vacation) in the summer. Low travel requirements enable me to be at home with the girls most nights. I do enjoy travelling, so some travel is a bonus.

Knowing my boundaries helped me focus on my needs and the needs of my family first, which enables work-life balance second. Boundaries aren’t just for work – I have them in many areas of my life. Understanding your boundaries makes it easier to say yes or no to opportunities in your life.

2. Identify a Goal (Even if It Changes)

You need to have a goal, in order to have some sort of focus and motivation. I kept getting asked what I wanted to do at John Deere. My response was that I was willing to try almost anything because I love to learn (which is true).

I got called out on that statement recently. Another woman leader said to me, “I never want to hear you say that again. You need to know what you want or you will never get there.”

In that moment I voiced what I had been afraid to say – I wanted to be a factory manager. Why was I afraid to say that? Honestly, I don’t know if I am good enough to get there. I don’t know what it takes to get there – or, if what it takes conflicts with my boundaries. If that’s the case though, then I’ll just set a new goal!

I rarely voice my dreams, because I don’t want anyone else to know that I failed if I don’t get there. That is the voice of the old me – the one that tried to be perfect. I’ve changed, I’m a real person with successes and failures and I need to be vulnerable in order to truly live.

In that moment I realized that if I didn’t voice what I wanted, then I also wouldn’t have any help getting there. In my new world, you need all the help you can get! This career goal gives me direction. What I discover along the way may lead me to a different destination, but the journey is the best part!

3. Timing Isn’t Always Everything

There is never a perfect time for change. Never. My girls are young, the Welken family is here. They kids can’t fly alone, and they cannot drive. I appreciate the help I receive from my mother-in-law, Deloris,. They love being spoiled by their grandma.

Fast forward 5 or 10 years – they will have friends, a larger social life and likely be engaged in numerous activities. So, which time is better? It’s a toss up, but from talking to numerous people that have moved their children, it seems that the younger they are, the easier they adjust.

Finding the perfect time will paralyze you. If you are considering a big life change, understand that no time will ever be perfect. There is risk in every decision. Sometimes, you have to go with your heart.

4. You’re Not Trapped

Understand your options, because you do have options! I realized a few things in my journey:

• It’s not hard to find work in North Dakota.
• I could work in Fargo, and move there if being in my house was too difficult.
• I could stay in my current position for a long time, in my current house.
• I could move closer to my parents.
• I could do anything I put my mind to!

I could Bottom line – there are options. There are times that people will make you feel trapped – saying things like, “Jane Doe did this and she regretted it forever.” or “Joan Doe kept her place and raised her kids. She didn’t need to move.”

There are a million ways to make people feel trapped, and most are not intentional. Realize that there is no one like you. We each have our own story – and yours is different than everyone else’s. You need to make the decisions on how the next chapter will read.

Change is hard and scary, but you always have options. Sometimes options can make you feel selfish, scared or even humble. Sometimes you question your sanity. If this happens to then you are normal!

5. Weigh the Pros and Cons – Then Toss Your List!

I weighed the pros and cons of this decision so many times, that it isn’t funny. I was able to come up with a tie almost every time.

The benefit of the pros/cons is that you understand what you want, what is important, and what options you have. This is a great exercise, but just because you have eight pros and 10 cons does not mean you are considering a bad decision. If the pros make you feel like you are truly living life, and the cons can be worked through, then GO FOR IT!

6. The Most Powerful Question

What’s the worst that could happen?

This question was the game changer for me when I was considering a move. The worst that could happen to me (with this move specifically), is that I hated my life in Iowa and the girls didn’t adapt to their new home.

Is this likely? No. However, I love many things about Valley City, things that I cannot take with me to Iowa. One of those is the people here who loved Steve – who care enough to share their stories and support me when they can.

You cannot recreate that sense of belonging, support or the stories anywhere else. I’m also very sentimental – and I love my house here. I love my space – space that Steve created for us.

Moving to an area without family is a huge risk and it may be a mistake. What options did I have if the worst happened and we weren’t happy in Iowa? Could I come back to Valley City? Yes! Would coming back here make me feel like I failed? Absolutely not! If I come back, I will come back with the knowledge that this is where I belong.

How powerful is that? Could I imagine living here and not living surrounded by the home Steve made for me and our girls? No. I could not come home and live anywhere else!

So, what were my options? I realized that I could start saving, so I could afford to keep my house for a period of time. I didn’t have to sell anything. I could take baby steps. And that is exactly what I am doing. I can afford to keep my house in ND for a period of time and the level of comfort that gives me is amazing.

Taking a step forward may lead you to a new sense of knowledge about yourself and what you want out of life. I’m looking forward to the journey – with my security blanket firmly in place.

7. Be Prepared to Ride the Roller Coaster

This journey has brought excitement, fear, sadness, happiness, guilt and everything in between. I had never made a decision this big alone in my life. This decision impacted more than just me – it impacted my girls and our families.

I felt selfish. I felt torn. I also felt like I needed to do this for my soul. This move isn’t about a job, it’s about finding the new me. It is about finding my rhythm as a solo mom. It’s about living.

I wondered if I could even handle living on my own, without the crutch of family close by. I questioned my sanity, because I realized that I am happy in Valley City. I’m happy with my job. I love the people. There is nothing wrong here. All of that doesn’t mean I won’t be happy somewhere else though. I realized that I would always wonder, what if?

I needed to take a chance and bet on me. I knew I would regret not taking this step – not believing in myself enough to think that I could do this and thrive. I firmly believe that I can be happy anywhere in this world as long as my girls are happy. Happiness is a choice we make every single day.

Do I think Iowa is where I belong long-term? No! I have no clue where I belong at this point in my life. I envy those that do. What I do know is that Valley City will always hold a very special place in my heart. Valley City will always be home – home is a place of love, and there is no doubt that I have that here.

If you have made a similar life change, please add some advice in the comments for me and anyone else faced with change!

Photo source: Pinterest

From Ashes to Diamonds

Where would you want to be buried?

This simple yet important question led to one of the most important discussions in my life. Steve and I would use time travelling in the car to talk about anything that was on our mind – I’m so glad this conversation happened.

There was a reason I asked the question – I had no idea what I wanted! Anytime I didn’t know the answer to a question, I’d talk ask Steve. There isn’t a perfect way to navigate this conversation, but here are the things we talked about that day.

1. Location

Steve wanted to be buried in Valley City. This made perfect sense, because he lived his whole life in that community. For me, the answer wasn’t so simple. If I died the next day, did I really want to be buried in Valley City?

The answer for me was no. I wanted to be buried by Steve, but I also wanted to be where my friends and family were. As the world becomes more global and families more mobile, the question of location becomes harder and harder to answer.

2. Cremation or Burial

The discussion of location led me to believe that cremation may be the answer for us. Steve wasn’t a fan of this originally, but once we talked through it we came to realize that this would be the best option for us and you’ll understand why in the next sections.

Steve’s only request with the cremation was that he have a headstone. He wanted a place that people could go to remember and he wanted a final resting place.

3. From Ashes to Diamonds

A few weeks prior to this discussion I had read an article about LifeGem, a company that developed technology that would take the person’s ashes and compress the carbon in the ashes into a diamond. In my heart this is what I wanted. I knew that life was never guaranteed and I knew I wanted to be close to my loved ones.

If I was made into a diamond, then Steve could mount that into something that he could take with him everywhere. A part of me would always be with him. As life would have it, I’m the one with the diamond. When Steve and I got home from our trip we looked up the article together and decided that this was what we both wanted for the other person. We had a plan.

4. Creating a Family Heirloom

Technology had changed and the company that creates the diamonds from ashes could now make diamonds from hair as well. I immediately knew that I wanted a family stone.

I asked the funeral director to cut a lock of Steve’s hair and I cut a lock of hair from me, Reanna and Kaelyn. We added the hair to Steve’s ashes and that made my diamond.

The stone didn’t require all of Steve’s ashes. His mom asked if she could have a stone along with one for his sister and brother. I wanted one for Reanna and Kaelyn too. Steve’s ashes made six diamonds in all and I still had enough to bury half of what was left in his final resting place and keep the other half with me.

5. A Gift from Dad

The girls are too young to understand or appreciate the diamonds that were made with their Dad’s ashes. I decided to place their stones in our safety deposit box to give to them as a graduation gift from their Dad.

My portion of the gift will be the setting of their choice. Their dad will always watch over them and they will have a piece of their Dad to take with them as they go off into the world. I think he would have approved.

The conversations around death and planning made my decisions after Steve died much easier. I know I couldn’t have chosen cremation had I not discussed this with him. I felt some measure of peace with my decisions as I knew I was fulfilling my end of the wishes and expectations we had of each other. Every time I look at my family stone, I know that I fulfilled his wishes. He is with me no matter where I go in this world.

Having conversations about death and what you want for yourself and your significant other can seem scary and overwhelming. I’m so glad that we took the time to have these conversations before it was too late. If you haven’t had a conversation like this with your significant other or close family, I urge you to take some time to do so this holiday season. Don’t wait until it’s too late!

Would you choose burial or cremation? Why?

Photo Credit: Giovanni ‘jjjohn’ Orlando via Compfight cc

3 Tips to Conduct Your Family Budget Meetings

Do you know that couples fight about money in marriage more than anything else? Let’s figure out how to squash that together!

Usually one person in the relationship tends to be the “money person.” And that’s okay! Opposites attract and all that – it’s easier to divide and conquer in many cases, and if one of you has a natural strength or affinity to handling the finances, so be it.

As Erin has shared with us though, it’s vital that both spouses know what’s going on financially. If one of you does handle the money, the other person should be kept in the loop from time to time. I suggest having at least a monthly family budget meeting, so everyone can get on the same page.

You can also (as a team) make necessary changes to stay on track for your various financial goals. Here are three tips to ensure your meetings take place and do so without the aid of a referee!

1. Set a Non-negotiable Date on the Calendar

It’s important to be consistent and make sure these meetings happen. Treat this time like any other important appointment or scheduled activity that you would make sure to keep.

Since it doesn’t feel vital, it’s easy to be tempted to put it off or reschedule, but don’t let that happen! It is important and you’ll be happy in the long run that you made it a priority.

2. Make It Fun

A good way to make sure that these dates are kept, is to make them something that you look forward to. Maybe you hire a sitter (if you have young kids) and go out for coffee, dinner or ice cream to have you budget meeting. Or just sit at home, open a bottle of wine, turn the television off and the radio on and dig into the numbers together.

Get business out of the way first and then have the second part of your night be an actual date night. Connect with your spouse, let your hair down and have a little fun!

3. Celebrate Hitting Your Goals

Let’s say that you’re trying to pay down debt or save up for a big purchase to be paid for in cash. It’s likely to happen faster, if you’re both working towards said goal together. Keep it top of mind by creating a goal progress chart and taping it to the fridge.

When you are making the last payment or reached the funds needed for your purchase, make the next step together. Sit on the couch together, fire up your laptop and hit “submit payment” together to pay off that credit card or auto note. Go to the car dealership or furniture store to buy that new love seat together. Notice a theme?

It’s What You Make of It

Like anything in life, a family budget meeting can be as exciting, fun, dull or boring as you want it to be. Be creative, be consistent and treat this time talking about your money as sacred, because it really is.

It doesn’t have to take long, it doesn’t have to be full of conflict or blame. Make some rules (including one for no arguing or sarcasm if that’s what you’re prone to) and remember to respect each other. Most of all, work together as a team!

In your family who usually handles the finances? 

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Photo Credit: elventear via Compfight cc

Death With Dignity – One Widow’s Perspective

This post is going to be different than some of my other posts. There will not be a list of tips, no brand new ideas, but maybe there will be something for you to ponder.

This past week a young woman named Brittany Maynard received a lot of attention for ending her own life. You can read her story here. To sum it up for you, she decided to move with her family to Oregon so she could be prescribed medication to end her own life. She had terminal cancer and died at age 29.

This past week also marked the passing of someone a little closer to me – Steve’s uncle Denny. Denny passed away at his home at age 67 after a life of many medical ups and downs.

There is a reason I write about these two individuals. I couldn’t help but read all of the judgments and comments placed on Brittany’s decision by the world. Some agreed, some disagreed. Some became extremely agitated and bothered by a person that they have never, and will never, meet. Some of the people commenting have never lost anyone close to them, and others were fellow widows. What disturbed me the most was the polarizing effect of this entire conversation around death. As a society we have become so selfish as to think that our personal moral compasses are always “right” which automatically means that there are other people that are “wrong”.

I’ve been faced with death a few times in my life. The three that stand out the most are three people that meant the world to me. Three people that helped shape who I am. Three people that I have loved and lost – Eldor, my Grandma Maxine, and Steve. I’ll take the heartache of losing them for the simple fact that the joy they brought to my life was worth the sorrow. I feel like I have some qualifications to speak on death because it has been a significant portion in my life.

Death Is Personal

The only person that can decide how they would like to die is the person dying. If you are one of the people in the room when that decision is made, don’t speak up. Don’t try to convince the person that your idea is better. Only that person at that time can determine how, when, and where they would like to go. I would venture to guess they have spent hours, days, weeks, or months pondering their decision. Support them with your entire heart. For Brittany, it was prescribed drugs. For Denny, it was a chance to see home one more time. Don’t take away the person’s right to make their own decisions if God has given them the opportunity to do so.

Death with Dignity Doesn’t Exist

People have seemed to get hung up on these words that reflect the Oregon law that allows prescription death. They take offense to Brittany’s “Death with Dignity” campaign, even going as far as to challenge her for being weak when their loved one “fought to the very end…through pain…etc”. Death is death. How you choose to spend your last days is your choice.

However, there is life with dignity. Did you live life trying to make the world a better place for others? When people spoke to you, were they uplifted or brought down? Were you thankful for the little things in life today? Death is death…it is hard and can be quick or very slow. LIving is where we can leave a legacy. Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives.

You’re Never Prepared for Loss

You can never prepare for the pain and emptiness you will feel when someone you love dies. Steve was gone instantly and there is nothing that prepares a person for that. In the case of Denny, my Grandma, and in some ways even Eldor there was a chance to say goodbye. I had the chance to let them know they were loved. I was able to tell my grandma how much she meant to me in a private conversation and I was at peace knowing I didn’t leave anything left unsaid. However, when that moment came and she took her last breath, the loss was huge. It is final. When I received the call that Denny had passed all I could think about was his wife, Paula. I know she had her time to prepare, but I also know that there is no way to prepare for a life without the person you planned on spending your entire life with. There is no way to reduce the pain of the finality of that loss.

We Don’t Need More Widows

Denny’s wife Paula is now a widow. There is no escaping the fact that she has to walk into an empty house that will likely never feel like home again. I get it. Brittany also left behind a widow. He gets the opportunity to carry on her dying wish to be happy, have a family, and continuing to push for the right to end your own life with prescription drugs. He had his time to make her last year one full of memories that he will cherish, but those memories don’t make the bed less empty. The memories don’t give you the person you laugh with, cry, and just love as part of yourself. No matter how the loss came about, no matter what choices were or were not made, those left behind have lost someone that cannot be replaced. That loss is universal.

Judgments Aren’t Neccessary Either

Going back to the start of this post, I have to wonder why people in this world feel the need to take time out of their day to judge a 29 year old with terminal cancer for her decision on how she would like to die. She made it a point of conversation so other people could have the same opportunity that she had. She never stated that everyone should follow in her footsteps. She never stated that this was the best decision for everyone. She said it was the choice she made for herself. Would I make the same choice? I don’t know – I have never been faced with her circumstances.

Think of all the time that was lost in this debate/argument/criticizing/defending campaign. What could we as a society have done with the millions of minutes spent focused on a single topic?

We could have donated our time to make our communities a better place to live. We could have wrote a thank you card to a friend we haven’t spoken to in awhile. We could have spent time playing with our children. As one person we may not have spent more than 5 minutes reading or thinking about the topic of the right to die in the way you choose, but think about all your neighbors who also took that time…how can we live life better in that amount of time? How can we make a difference and truly Live With Dignity instead of focusing on Death with Dignity?

What is one thing you will commit to do this week to truly live your life in a way that reflects how you want to be remembered?